Doesn’t English (#028) – Small Thing

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This might actually be in English but I can’t understand a word of it, so it’ll do. You know, Genoa Italy must be a pretty special place to have it’s own salami named after it. That stuff is delicious too. Good thing salami wasn’t invented in Eugene Oregon or something. I do not want to eat Eugene’s salami. Ah who am I kidding? I would totally eat Eugene’s salami. I would eat anyone’s salami. If you’re sellin’ salami, I’m buyin’. I bet in Genoa people are like, “Yo the salami is not a big deal. We have better things than salami”. Like what Genoa? Oh, sick-as-all-fuck punk bands? Okeedokee. Can I have some salami with that? How many times can I say salami in one post? Salami times, that’s how salami.

Doesn’t English (#027) – Dongker

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Sadly, this album was just barely nudged out of the top 5 for July. The Russians win again, but Indonesia is putting up a fight. Just listen to this thing. It’s infectious. Seriously you should take some antibiotics after listening. Maybe rub yourself down with hydrogen peroxide. Make sure you get it in all the holes and cracks. If my translations are correct (and they often aren’t) there is a lyric on here that says “Cobain is a god, to hell with god” wow! I’m not exactly sure the context on that, but either way, in the spirit of punk rock, I have to respect the boldness of such a statement. The album art is very Double-Nickels-On-The-Dime-like but the similarities to the Minutemen more or less end there, incase you were wondering. Oh you weren’t wondering? Ok well calm down.

Doesn’t English (#026) – Kiteflighter

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From deep within the pierogi-stuffed bowels of the Ukraine, here is a scrappy emo outfit called Kitefighter. Have you ever seen a kite fight? Not for the faint of heart, let me tell you. Holy hell, the strings, the wind.. It gets ugly. Wait, it’s Kiteflighter? Feck! In doing a bit of research I discovered that the word Ukraine itself actually means something like “borderlands”. Which is why it’s the Ukraine and not just Ukraine. Which begs the question: If “canada” means “village” why the feck are we not calling it The Canada? I know I will be from now on. It’s what M. Night Shyamalon would have wanted. May he rest in peace. If you are still reading this, you must have a very high tolerance for total nonsense, and since that’s the case I would like us to be friends forever saved-by-the-bell-style.

Doesn’t English (#025) – Please Tokyo Please This is Tokyo & СТОПКРАН

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There are lots of fun things to do in Russia: painting a wall grey for example, or you could paint a fence grey, maybe fuck around and paint a car grey. Also you can go check out some awesome Russian bands like these two poppy wavy indie gazey mofos right here. The first band is called СТОПКРАН and I had a hard time figuring out what that means in English. Google translates it to ‘Stopkran’ and I think ‘Stopkran’ translates to ‘Emergency Brake’ which makes for a pretty cool band name. The other band has an English name and boy is it rad: Please Tokyo Please This is Tokyo. I don’t know what it is about that name, but I love it. I also love all these super chill jams. All jokes aside, I am consistently surprised by how awesome and diverse the music scene in Russia is. Before I started this blog I really did picture Russia as being a vacant place painted grey, but now I know it is not that. Well, it might be that (probably not?), but there are also a lot of dope bands.

Doesn’t English (#024) – Rutka Laskier

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There’s one thing I will never do in life and that is spell the word ‘Czech’ properly on the first try, so you can imagine my frustration in realizing I had no choice but to feature this band on The Doesn’t Suck. Not because mobsters in Prague threatened to cut my ears off if I didn’t, but because it fecking slaps emocore you guys. Also they’ve called themselves Rutka Laskier, which as I’ve discovered, is not Czech for anything. It’s actually the name of an Anne Frank type girl who also wrote a diary, which is less famous because it was not shared publicly until 2005! She was Polish too, much like my grandfather who would have been about the same age as her, so in my mind that means they were friends and probably did Polish stuff together like eat sausages and, umm, make sausages? Why is a Czech band named after a Polish girl who died in the Holocaust you ask? Well that’s a pretty ignorant question don’t you think? Who’s to say Polish people don’t live in the Czech Republic? You should really do some research on this. Also, if you have ears, you should listen to this album.

Doesn’t English (#023) – Lapsuus

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Lapsuus! (which means ‘Childhood’) is a wicked awesome garagey punk band from Finland. Yes Finland, where you’ll supposedly find the worlds largest archipelago, and it’s home to the cute-as-all-fuck saimaa ringed seal. I dare you to show me a better seal than that. Seriously, the thing looks sensational, but lets get back to the archipelago status. An archipelago just means a group of islands, but the real reason I bring it up is because it sounds cool and it’s fun to say. To summarize: Childhood + islands + seals = rad garage punk. Thank you and archipelago to everyone.

Doesn’t English (#022) – Honda SS

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When it comes to motorcycles, the Honda SS was maybe about as basic as it gets and this band is basically kicking your ass. You know as far as opening lines go that is basically the best I can do, and honestly, as bad as it was, it still sounds a little too professional for me. Anyway, whatever man. This album slaps the ham for real. Melodic streetcore right outa the flaky spanakopita lined gutters of Greece. I wasn’t able to find out which city or town exactly but then again my research is also flaky. That’s a weird word eh, flaky? Da hell is that? Look, here’s what you do. Cuddle up on the couch with a bowl and tzatziki and put on track 3, Ζήτω Η Ελλάς (Long Live Greece). It might be a sarcastic “long live Greece” though, so don’t go playing it for your Greek friends thinking it’s all national pride and what have you. That might be a mistake, depending on who these friends are. Where did you meet them anyway? Can I be friends with them too? And by friends I mean a one-sided arrangement where they make food for me, I eat said food, and they get nothing in return.

Doesn’t English (#021) – La Nelson Olveira

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Straight outta Sauce (not to be confused with salsa) it’s La Nelson Olveira, which (if you’ll allow me to translate for you) is Spanish for The Nelson Olveira. That’s a Uruguayan soccer player and he’s not very well-liked I guess? Anyway, the important thing is, these guys are from a town called Sauce (just outside Montivideo) and I love sauce. Condiments in general are an obsession of mine. Some would say I have a condiment problem. Hot sauce is my sauce of choice but I’ll take anything I can get. In my opinion, a meal is not fully prepared until you dump something out of a bottle on to it. By the way this is a great little EP of punky tonk rock ’n’ roll with cool vocals. It’s catchy as all hell, and it’s for a good cause, or so they claim. Something about this being a fundraiser to get their friend out of New Zealand jail for killing a Koala. I don’t know if that’s meant to be taken seriously but who cares? There’s a Spanish cover of “Creep” on here with a lead in of someone takin’ a wazz. Pretty damn cool if you ask me.

Doesn’t English (#020) – Bombas De Amor

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If you like The New York Dolls but you’re pissed off that none of their songs are in Spanish, I’ve got good news for you: There is a band in Buenos Aires called Bombas De Amor (Love Bombs) and they’re seriously doing justice to that sweet sweet proto-punk’n’roll sound you’ve been longing for. This is good for the soul, and also promotes hair growth. Where the hair is going to grow is a total crapshoot though. Seriously all of the hair growth happens in and around your crapshoot. It’s worth it still. Hmmm, contemplating whether I should re-write this without the whole crapshoot thing. Nah, I think we’re good. Rock on!

Doesn’t English (#019) – Asperger

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I base my want-to-travel-to destinations mainly on food, and that’s why Turkey is close to the top of my list. And no, I’m not under the impression that they eat a lot of turkey there. Come on, you know I’m not stupid right? (please say yes). Turkey is overrated anyway. The food that is. I mean it’s cool. It’s just not THAT great ya know? It’s good, it’s fine, it’s turkey, but I will take Turkish food, any day, over turkey the food. Was that confusing? This is not a food blog by the way. Here’s a sick pop punk record out of Istanbul. Home of delicious treats such as karnıyarık, lahmacun,  and akçaabat meatballs. Oh, and punk rock too. Turkey the food: It’s good, it’s fine, it’s turkey.
[Buy it on Amazon!]