Finally! Finally someone has written two songs with corresponding videos detailing the outcome for The Terminator and one of the guys he shot in Terminator 2: Judgement Day. Yes, it’s no longer a mystery, and you need not wonder how the terminator had access to Tinder in 1991, because obviously he was futuristic and shit. A lot of people don’t realize there are Petro-Can’s in California but there are. There’s at least one. It’s proven in the video. Thank you to my countryman David Ivan Neil over at Kingfisher Bluez for bringing this information to the masses. You are a treasury of historical truths and your service is invaluable. Also these songs are captivating.
“Theme from “New Girl” Weeknights on FOX”
“Waldo Finds Himself”
“Drunk During the First Day of Flight School”
“Take Some Pills And Drive Around”
“Mall Goth Is Alive And Well And Living In America”
“Super Atomic Werewolf Chicks On Motorcycles”
“Time Sure Flies (When You’re Young And Jerking Off)”
“Go Go Gadget Anxiety Attack”
“(HOPE) Is Just Another Word With A Hole In It”
“More Fun Than A Finger In The Bum”
“Get In The Fucking Robot Shinji”
“It’s Always Summer Up My Skirt”
“If I Start Snoring (Just Make Out With Me)”
“God Damn All Your Favourite People”
“Eat Yer Lil Caesars N’ Be Grateful”
“[I’ve Listened To More] Titus Andronicus [Than I’ve Read William Shakespeare]”
“God And His Infinite Piss”
“War March Of The Lunar Poo Monsters, Born From The Bags Of Astronaut Faeces Left On The Moon”
Another demo that’s more of an EP than most of the EP’s I come across. In the spirit of punk rock, I personally think it’s acceptable to put out your first ever recording session, no matter how awful, as an EP with an awesome title. That’s just me. Not everyone feels that way. I get it, but to call something this good a demo, to me just feels so…professional. And if you’ve read my blog, you know professionalism is not something I strive towards, or even condone really. Having said that, this here demo is easily the most dopest thing I’ve heard out of my homeland in months. Oof! These songs sound like when you dump a garbage can full of hockey pucks into a bigger garbage can full of guitars. You know when you do that? And then you figure skate to it? Exactly.
“Be Worry. Don’t Happy”
“I Went Somewhere And All I Got Was Something”
“I Wanna Hold Your Foot”
“B.Y.O.T. (Bring Your Own Tears)”
“I Seriously Wrote This One To Apologize To My Girlfriend After A Fight We Had In Which She Was 100% Correct and I Was 100% In The Wrong”
“Defender Of Lame Things”
“Yes, I Said You Were Dead. And Yes, I Used The F Word”
“Poison Your Boss”
“Kevin James Needs To See A Doctor”
“(That’s What) She Said Don’t”
“There’s No Problem You Can’t Handle By Running Away”
“Urethra Fork (the point where I start to judge...)”
“Fuck Me I Love Death Metal”
“Get Your Friends Together (To Commit Arson) (The Arson Song)”
“Space Jam 2: The Jam Spaces You”
“Ned Flanders Fields”
“I’ll Backhand The Fuck Out Of A Seagull”
“Around Here We Mourn Our Young”
“We Can’t Stop Here, This Is Rat Country”
“Ted Cruz Was The Zodiac Killer”
“I Have Mixed Drinks About My Feelings”
“God Released Me into the Wild and Now He’s Hunting Me for Sport”
“The Cheap Groceries On The Bottom Shelf Taste The Same As The Leading Brand”
“The All New iPhone 666”
“Better leave before it blinks. I think the sky, it’s a sudden open eye”
A lot of musicians have paid their dues. A lot have earned their stripes. Most of them have gone on to achieve some level of notoriety, but there’s one who, after 25+ years grinding it out, is still, grinding it out. Is it for lack of talent or for lack of interest? Me thinks it’s the latter. Sometimes you just don’t win the musical-success lottery and I don’t think David Dondero gives a shit. I do think you should know who the hell he is though.
I’ve been reading a book called Add Toner by Aaron Cometbus. It’s his second collection of assorted Cometbus zines from the 90’s & 2000’s. It’s an enjoyable read but not as good as his original omnibus called Despite Everything. They’re both great, but what can I say, I like rating stuff. There is a really cool section in Add Toner though, about the time Aaron spent living in Asheville North Carolina. While residing there he helped cultivate a little punk scene by running an all ages venue called Oh My! and by designing show flyers. A lot of the flyers are featured in Add Toner and I was so incredibly thrilled to see the one pictured above.
In the early 90’s David Dondero lead a punk band called Sunbrain out of Clemson South Carolina. Their first album, Perfection Lies, has been cited by Conor Oberst of Bright Eyes as one of his foremost musical influences. Infact, I think it’s fair to say, Dondero invented the vocal style that Oberst has had so much success with. Conor and David actually collaborated later in life on a Deseparecidos song and one of David’s solo songs. You can hardly tell their voices apart. Perfection Lies is truly a masterpiece of an album, and Sunbrain probably should have been in the same conversation as a band like Jawbreaker, or maybe an entirely separate conversation of their own. They were innovators of a sound that was never fully explored. And so the grind continued.
After Sunbrain, Dondero probably did some other stuff, but I’m not a fuckin’ biographer so I can’t speak to that. He eventually ended up drumming for the infamous Florida folk-punkers, This Bike Is A Pipe Bomb. The band (unintentionally) responsible for 2 bomb scares. I think he did vocals for them too cuz I’ve heard songs that sound exactly like him.
After Pipe Bomb the real grind began. David embarked on an arduous solo career that continues to this day. The weird thing about this show flyer though, is that both David Dondero and This Bike Is A Pipe Bomb are listed on the bill. I’m wondering if David played drums in the band and did a solo set by himself, or if this was after he quit Pipe Bomb. Maybe this is the show where they met and he joined Pipe Bomb that night! Unlikely, but that would be cool. If anyone knows, please write to me.
In 2018 Dondero is still barely scraping by as a musician. NPR named him one of the greatest living songwriters, yet he continues to grind, usually as an opening act for semi-successful bands. His solo career has lasted nearly two decades. The solo albums are the ones I’ve made the deepest connection with. If you’re not familiar with them, please familiarize yourself with them immediately. Like right now. Well finish the last paragraph first and then do it you animal.
I have this thing where if I don’t get 8 hours of sleep I’m completely useless. I also have this thing where I go to a job every morning to pay my bills, so I did not see David Dondero when he was here to open for Pedro The Lion on a Tuesday night in May. I know, it’s terrible right? I feel deep distress every time I think about it. He really is one of my heroes, but I guess I’ve got to pay my rent or whatever. If you see David Dondero, if you know him, if you bump into him, shake his hand for me and tell him sorry, and tell him thanks.
(Do you guys think my blog is going to get flagged for using the words ‘pipe bomb’ so much? If you found my blog because you are a terrorist, please go away and stop doing terrorist stuff).
Everybody now! “Fishing for carp! Fishing For carp! Fun to catch but they taste like shit! Fishing for carp! Fishing For carp! Fun to catch but they taste like shit!” Oh man, this is going to be stuck in my head for days. Carp are one of the dumber looking fish, I must say. It’s no wonder they’re so much fun to catch. I’ve never caught one myself, but I saw one in a ditch once and it looked fabulous. Boy I could talk about carp all day but there’s so many other fun topics on this album. Collecting cans, for example, and taking them to another state to make a profit, like Kramer and Newman tried to do in that one episode of Seinfeld. Only this time it’s in Australia so there are poisonous birds flying around. Another thing they touch on here is sausages. Who doesn’t like to touch on sausages right? These particular sausages are from a store called Bunnings which I guess is like an Australian Home Depot but with a way better name, and the vendor in the parking lot sells sausages instead of just hot dogs. Or maybe hot dogs and sausages are the same thing in Australia. That’s none of my business though. What I’m most intrigued by is that both stores sell meat in their parking lots on opposite sides of the world. We’re all the same you see. That’s what this album is really trying to tell us.
I don’t know why it’s a demo. I have a feeling if this band picks up a record contract they’ll just put this out as-is and call it their first album. Oh well, whatever. Lace up your Solo’s and tighten your braces folks cuz we goin’ a skankin’. Fresh from the schnitzel factories of Hamburg Germany, enter Fast Sluts. Not to be confused with the elderly rascal scooter gang, the Slow Sluts. There aren’t a hell of a lot of all-girl Oi bands are there? I can’t think of a single one. Maybe that is about to change. These girls aren’t trying to covertly enter the boys club either. It’s more like they’re kicking the door down and slapping some dudes around a bit, ya know? Is this Feminoi? Sorry, I don’t mean to contribute to the already absurd amount of sub-genres we have to deal with, but I say it’s about time for someone to stir the pot on Oi music a little. You know if Oi was going to go away it would have happened by now. At least it can diversify a bit if we’re stuck with it. That being said, this certainly isn’t pure, from the hive, Oi. There are some other things happening here. It’s close enough though. I’d start a circle to it.
“Thicc Melky Mommi G0th Girlfriend”
“A List Of Reasons Why I Need To Shut The Fuck Up”
“Lemon Ice King Of Queens”
“Look Mom I’m On A Horse”
“Finding Porn In The Woods”
“General Malaise Reporting for Duty”
“What Books Would Jesus Burn?”
“Sorry Vince McMahon, I Can’t Come to Your Gig Tonight, Maybe Next One?”
“Farted On My Favourite Shirt”
“Late Night Testicles”
“Very Pain Such Problem Many Hurt”
“One of the Perks of Being a Well-Known, Albeit Ineffective, Superhero”
“Your Cat Will Eat You When You Die”
“It’s Not The Size Of The Knife That Matters, It’s The Memories You Make”
“My Desire For You Is Stop Being A Fuck Wad”
“I Wanna Love God In A Gay Way”
“I (think I’m turning into my) Cat”
“I Got 99 Problems And Calling A Woman Bitch Is One”
“You Are The Gravy To The Mashed Potato That Is My Heart”
I often find demos that are better than actual albums, but, as a rule, I don’t include demos in my Top 5’s (even though many of the releases I do feature are far worse than demo-quality). It’s really up to the artist whether they give their release a title or just call it a demo. That’s actually the only difference, but I made the rule and I’m sticking to it. These guys, The Avondales (not from Avondale), even went ahead and gave this thing a title, but they put ‘demo’ at the end of it so fuck. Hey, don’t worry -I’m not going to let you miss out on any epic demos. If I find any, I’ll post them over here in the Fun Finds section.
In 1876 THIS happened in Ashtabula Ohio. Since then, not much, but NOW, The Avondales and their sweet little demo called There It Is, which features 7 scratchy punk tunes -One of which is a rendition of Mrs. Robinson with slightly revised lyrics. I probably don’t need to say any more than that, but there’s other good stuff on here too. It sounds like it was recorded live in someone’s basement, which might be part of it’s charm. I think they’re planning to record these songs professionally. I already feel like I’m always going to like this version better.
ATTN: Die-hard Jerky Boys fans. Your prayers have been answered. There’s some new kids on the block and they’re called the Blue Boys. Like their prank-call predecessors, they are highly skilled in the art of “improvisational hilarity and genius conversational jujitsu” (I stole that from the Jerkey Boys website). Look tough guy! It’s prank calls. What else can I say? Is it ‘prank’ or ‘crank’? What’s the difference? If anybody knows the difference I’d love to hear from you. Advise your parents before listening to this.