Top 5 Albums/EP’s That DON’T Suck [MARCH 2019]

off hope fisherpriceOff Hope – Fisherprice [Buy it on Amazon!]
I get a lot of bands asking me to review their albums on The Doesn’t Suck, and let’s face it, what I’m doing here isn’t reviewing albums. Usually bands ask me to review something that came out months (even years) ago, and it’s like yo, I’m doing a monthly top 5 here Buster! Also, if I’m being real, a lot of the bands that contact me aren’t up my alley, or even in the general neighborhood of my alley. Which is fine because honestly, I don’t need any more traffic in my alley. My alley is fecking congested dood! Anyways, like I said, these aren’t album reviews. This is a list of my top 5 releases each month as determined by me, and the write ups are, well, complete nonsense. You should know this by now. In conclusion: This band contacted me early in March and I was all “yeah sure, let me know when it comes out”. It finally dropped on March 30th and I’m thinkin’ all “Damn! That’s cutting it close!”. Funny thing though: it immediately bested anything else I heard all month.   Listen on Bandcamp or Spotify

cosmopaark sunflowerCosmopaark – Sunflower [Buy it on Amazon!]
Let me put this to you in the most direct and straightforward way I know how: This here album? This be like when a band be layin’ out a beautiful platter of assorted fruits. A “fruit platter” if you will, and then they proceed to smash their own fruit platter into a delicious edible pulp.. with guitars! I mean I could go into more detail but I think that about sums it up doesn’t it? I don’t know how I could be any more clear. It’s a blender. A musical blender. Not a juicer! No no no. Don’t be ridiculous. It’s a blender. A big one. This isn’t to say they’re blending all kinds of odd genres together though. No, most of this fruit is from the same general fruit family. It just get’s feckin’ crushed though doesn’t it? Listen to it, you’ll see what I mean. And if you don’t, you’re the one that’s crazy.   Listen on Bandcamp or Spotify

john zealous emma watsonJohn Zealous – Emma Watson [Buy it on Amazon!]
This sounds like if Australia had a revolution summer. Maybe it’s just the Rites Of Spring ish vocal stylings. Somehow I doubt that was intentional. Does it really matter though? The vocals on this are trashed all the way out. I mean they stink, and me, I’m ready to breath it all in. Mmmm shitty vocals. That’s my weak spot. They have to be the right kind of shitty vocals though. Don’t waste my time with any old shitty vocals. Only the finest, most cultured shitty vocals for me. All of you aspiring shit vocalists out there should take notes. This is how you sing shittily. I sincerely hope this guy isn’t taking this as anything other than the highest praise. I love this album. Sharp as a knife lyrics too. Between the sharp lyrics and the shitty vocals, this is an infection waiting to happen. I know I’m infected.   Listen on Bandcamp

postrich bear buzzkillPostrich Bear – Buzzkill [Buy it on Amazon!]
You may remember this project from about a year ago. They appeared on my top 5 way back in January 2018, and no one knows this, but they were on my short-list for the year-end top 10, and were just barely nudged out. I think when I wrote about it last January I said it was my favourite album of the year so far. I mean that’s easy to say in January right, because about a zillion sick-ass bands proceeded to put out music in the months that followed. I loved that Postrich Bear album though, and I actually love this one even more. The amount of care and dedication going into the songs is still the same, but this release has a little more meat on the bones so to speak. Or if you’re not into meat we could say it has a little more corn on the cob. Hmm.. Yeah.. It wont get stuck in your teeth though. Just your head and maybe your heart. Will this make the top 10 this year? I don’t know! Why would you even ask me that!?   Listen on Bandcamp or Spotify

home is where our mouths to smileHome Is Where – Our Mouths To Smile
I’ve been saying it forever: there needs to be more harmonicas in emo bands. Only when I say it, I call it a tin sandwich. “More of that ol’ tin sandwich in emo!” is what I say. If you hung out with me, you’d hear me say that all the time. Sometimes I call it a tin sandwich, sometimes I call it a hobo harp, or a mouth organ. That one sounds weird though, cuz it’s like, isn’t the mouth already an organ? I mean technically it’s the beginning of your face hole right? Speaking of mouths though, the title of this album is taken from a line in one song that asks the question “why do we use our mouths to smile?”, and that’s a great question? Why do we? Also, why do we slap our hands together when something amuses us? These are the mysteries of humanity, but you know what? These tunes got me smiling from the face hole and slappin’ my hands all over the place. Yee haw! More Mississippi saxophone!   Listen on Bandcamp

ENDNOTES: You may have noticed, my quality of writing has improved drastically since my last entry. It’s like night and day right? This is like real music journalism now. That’s because I got my cast off. You should see me typing right now. I’ve got like 4 fingers (sometimes 5!) going at the same time. I feel like I could type for miles right now! (did you catch that reference?). Cool points if you did. Anyway friends, I hope you’re enjoying the onset of spring if you’re in the northern hemisphere, and if you’re in the southern hemisphere, it’s your turn to suffer! If you’re near the equator, feck yew! Please, remember, there is a shit-pile more wicked-awesome releases that came out this month in the ol’ SCRAP HEAP. That’s right, this is the best new music resource for weirdos on the cyberspace. Keep hunting for new bands. Keep fighting the good fight. Until we meet again.

Doesn’t English (#013) – Noizu

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Two things from Santiago that are very refreshing: Mote con huesillo and a band called Noizu. One has more peaches than the other. Hey, If you happen to be in Seattle, or rural Illinois this month, you would be remiss to not catch this band while they’re in the US. Those are the only two places they’re playing that I’m aware of. What’s going on in Chillicothe IL that would make it a likely host to one of two shows by a touring dreamgaze band from Chile? I was curious too, so I looked it up and I guess there’s a festival called Summer Camp happening there. Sounds like a good time, and if you live in that area you should consider the following very carefully: When you go to The Summer Camp Festival you will also be treated to the contemporary melodies of bands like Cypress Hill and Slightly Stoopid. You know ska punk is still very much alive, despite what you might read on my twitter. During your visit you will also experience something called Liquid Stranger! In addition to that, there’s a band called Leftover Salmon, and another one called Organ Freeman! I would definitely try to avoid both of those. Look, maybe you’re just better off driving to Seattle to see this band.
[Buy it on Amazon!]

IMPORTANT UPDATE: I just heard from Noizu, and sadly for you rural Illinois people and Seattleites, Noizu, the awesome Chilean dreamgaze band, will not be playing in your areas. It is a different Noizu, a DJ or something. My bad. I hope you didn’t buy your Summer Camp tickets already.

From the MOST INTERESTING SONG TITLES DEPARTMENT – Here are some recent discoveries:

 

Click’em to listen

“Thicc Melky Mommi G0th Girlfriend”
“A List Of Reasons Why I Need To Shut The Fuck Up”
“Lemon Ice King Of Queens”
“Look Mom I’m On A Horse”
“Finding Porn In The Woods”
“General Malaise Reporting for Duty”
“What Books Would Jesus Burn?”
“Sorry Vince McMahon, I Can’t Come to Your Gig Tonight, Maybe Next One?”
“Farted On My Favourite Shirt”
“Late Night Testicles”
“Very Pain Such Problem Many Hurt”
“One of the Perks of Being a Well​-​Known, Albeit Ineffective, Superhero”
“Your Cat Will Eat You When You Die”
“It’s Not The Size Of The Knife That Matters, It’s The Memories You Make”
“My Desire For You Is Stop Being A Fuck Wad”
“I Wanna Love God In A Gay Way”
“I (think I’m turning into my) Cat”
“I Got 99 Problems And Calling A Woman Bitch Is One”
“You Are The Gravy To The Mashed Potato That Is My Heart”

Doesn’t English (#012) – Rissau

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Shoegaze is kind of a polarizing genre isn’t it? I’ve seen friendships destroyed! Most people have strong feelings about it. Some love it, the rest hate it. I’m on the love train myself, and this here record is a perfect example as to why. If anyone were actually on the fence about such music, I would recommend this in hopes of winning them over. The great thing about shoegaze is, the lyrics aren’t necessarily meant to be construed upon listening. Half the time the vocals are completely lost in the swamp anyway. It really wouldn’t make a difference if they were in English or, I don’t know, Indonesian or something. Hey, speaking of Indonesia, that’s where these guys are from, and also sticky soy sauce! Both are great with fried rice. Why are you still hung up on the fact that I said “love train”. Can’t we get past that?
[Buy it on Amazon!]

Top 5 Albums/EP’s That DONT Suck [MARCH 2018]

see more glass tomorrow hamburg post hardcore germany 2018See More Glass – Tomorrow
Strangely enough, I had an album by the name of Seymour Glass in my Top 5 back in July of last year. It was by a band called Local Programming. That album has been removed from bandcamp without a trace (good thing I downloaded it when I had the chance). As far as I know, the two bands have nothing in common, other than a shared affinity for the Seymour Glass character from the J.D. Salinger short stories, which I can’t even speak to because I’ve never read them. These guys didn’t even spell it right. I guess we can chalk that up to them being German. At least I think they’re German. I definitely detect an accent, which for some reason, reminds me of a hella-rad Japanese band called Segwei. Am I the only one who thinks Japanese accents and Eastern European accents sound a lot alike when filtered through punk rock? Crap, I just noticed this is the second pressing of the album. It was originally released in 2016. Whatever, I’m pretending it just came out. I already wrote this whole thing.   Listen on Bandcamp

possum come down leeds emo 2018Possum – Come Down
These guys are from Leeds, and I wonder if that’s in the midwest of the UK cuz their band is definitely in the midwest of emo. Isn’t it weird how England is doing midwest emo better than the actual midwest these days? What else are you going to steal from the midwest? That’s correct, there is nothing else in the midwest to steal, unless you’re planning on getting into the corn game. Look, maybe we should stop coming up with regional-specific genres, because it just gets confusing when a band from New Jersey starts playing New York Hardcore. Like wow, get your own hardcore on that side of the river guys, and England should stick to Piccadilly Emo. That would be a shame though cuz then we wouldn’t have Possum, and this EP might be some of the best midwest emo I’ve heard in a while. Step your game up Indiana!   Listen on Bandcamp or Spotify

fingerpaint hanger the sounds of parents fighting delaware indie rock newark bands 2018Fingerpaint/Hanger – The Sounds Of Parents Fighting (Split)
[Buy it on Amazon!]
Oh, you’ve been sleepin’ on Delaware huh? Well wake up loser! I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re a loser. You really should clean your room though. No, you can’t have a Pepsi. Who drinks Pepsi anyway? Get your life on track. No YOU’RE the one that’s crazy! Anyway this might be the first time I’ve had a split on my Top 5. Clearly both of these bands are bringing their A-game. Why else would I be making such a big deal about Delaware? The way I see it, if a split comes out of Delaware and both bands are this dope, how can every other band in Delaware not be equally as awesome? I’m no arithmatician, but I’m pretty sure that is 100% logical on my part. I suppose you’re wondering what it sounds like at this point. Well you can go ahead and listen to it. What do I look like, some kind of music-discriber? I’m sorry I’ve been so hard on you today.   Listen on Bandcamp or Spotify

weedhawks cold beer weedhawks and mountaineers virginia country punk 2018Weedhawks – Cold Beer Weedhawks & Mountaineers
Oh man, I hope you don’t have allergies cuz this stuff is dusty. Dustier than a chinchilla bath. Dustier than your dashboard after driving all day on a dirt road with your windows down. Dustier than that kid from Stranger Things. Honkier than a Canada Goose and Tonkier than a.. umm.. What is a Tonk anyway? I don’t really know, but I’m pretty sure this album has plenty of it(them?). It’s twisted up, a bit gnarled, old-timey, liquor soaked, soggy-woggy, twangy-wangy, oogie-boogie, fiddly-widdly.. I’ll stop. Sorry I always have a hard time describing this kind of music. Are you getting the gist here? It’s countrty-folk-punk I guess. I don’t want to say cowpunk because I hate that word(hybrid) and I don’t even know what it is, to be honest. I feel like I would be insulted if I had a band and someone called it cowpunk. If you found this post because you googled “soggy-woggy” I have a feeling this is exactly what you were looking for.   Listen on Bandcamp

kraus path new york post rock 2018Kraus – Path [Buy it on Amazon!]
There’s nothing worse than when a really great band is playing on a Sunday night. Wtf am I supposed to do with that? Not go to it, that’s what. I’m a grown up now; I gotta get up early on Monday. It’s a shame too, because this band sounds like they would be completely stupefying live. Like just a wall of flossy noise slowly closing in on you à la Deathstar trash compactor, you’re just standing there like a fool, mouth agape, and just at the last minute when you think you’re about to be squished like an insect, the walls actually consume you and you’re now living within the walls. The walls being the music btw, incase you lost my metaphor. I swear I’m not on drugs right now. I just drank some A&W Rootbeer and ate half a bag of Takis. Hey, you guys are into Takis right? I can’t stop with these Takis, for real. Seriously, I’m not on drugs.   Listen on Bandcamp

ENDNOTES:
There were a ton of great releases in March. It was tough to narrow it down, so make sure you check out the Scrap Heap section for links to all the albums and EP’s that were in the conversation for Top 5.

Doesn’t English (#010) – Tentáculo

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Straight outa the gazpacho soaked streets of Seville Spain (Home of Diego Valazquez and marinated dogfish), here you have Tentáculo. That translates to Tentacle. As in “Oh shit, you got him right by the tentacles!” said the friend of the octopus fisherman. Pretty solid rock ‘n’ roll punk going on here, with relevant lyrics too. Lot’s of spirit coming from these guys. They call themselves the dogs of Triana, which is a neighborhood in Seville. Not to be confused with the actual dogs of Triana which are probably mostly harmless, Tentáculo is, at the very least, going to growl at you until you pee your pants. Whatever you do, don’t turn and run. Try slam dancing instead.

Top 5 Albums/EP’s That DONT Suck [JANUARY 2018]

postrich bear every love story is a ghost story salem oregon basement lofi folk rare music 2018Postrich Bear – Every Love Story Is A Ghost Story
[Buy it on Amazon!]
I never get tired of sad songs. This is my favourite album of 2018 so far. I don’t even know if you can call it an album though. It’s more than that. This deserves so much praise, I’m not sure I can do it justice. What stands out the most is how much care went into this thing. It’s so rich with realness. It’s the most organic thing when the right people come together at the right time in their lives and they get lost on this musical voyage together. It’s beautiful. There’s a song on here where the guy says “I wish I could cry”. Jeezis Christ I wish I could STOP crying over here from this goddamn album. I’m an emotional wreck guys. Ok fine, I’m not crying. I’m at work right now. That would be unprofessional, but if I listen to this in my car alone, or at home with my headphones on, look out! Funny how I talk about being professional and then I write music reviews like this.   Listen on Bandcamp

kat suicide friends el paso indie punk 2018Kat Suicide – Friends [Buy it on Amazon!]
Full disclosure, there is no Suicide Girl named Kat Suicide and she is not in this band. I know, it’s disappointing, but don’t worry, it’s still a spectacular band, and who’s to say they don’t look good naked? This is probably starting to sound pretty weird. Especially if you’re not familiar with Suicide Girls. Hey, what do you want from me? Gees. Here’s the thing about Kat Suicide (the band). They’re kind of doing that thing where you make music that’s original. They’re an innovative band. This feels good, it’s a bit familiar like a baby blanket, but let’s say this baby blanket is made of living guinea pigs. You see what I’m saying? There’s something different and a bit wiggly going on here. Someone should take this blog away from me.   Listen on Bandcamp or Spotify

the afterburners receiving transmission virginia indie punk 2018The Afterburners – Receiving Transmission
You’re probably aware by now that this blog is where you’ll find the best bad music on the internet. This album is, in all fairness, pretty fucking bad, but it’s also really really good. If that doesn’t make sense to you then you’re in the wrong place pal. Hit the bricks. It seems like the band is secondary to the overall message here. The overall message being that everything is an alien conspiracy. Yes that seems to be the theme they’ve settled on. The music is simply a carrier for the message and there’s nothing more punk rock than that. I could listen to this for hours on end, I swear to you.   Listen on Bandcamp

closer all this will be new york post hardcore 2018 NYCloser – All This Will Be [Buy it on Amazon!]
Wow is this going to be a good year for Hardcore? I don’t know but this is a good sign. For all intents and purposes, last year should have been a good year for Hardcore. Maybe they were just getting warmed up. Anyway this record gouges. Dark, heavy, mean, moody. It’s a swamp creature reciting poetry. Get out of it’s way or be dragged into the murk. Or maybe that’s what you want. No, on second thought just run! RUNN! NOOO! Murder! blood! gore! stab stab stab! eww yuck. Not your run of the mill hardcore.   Listen on Bandcamp or Spotify

cigybrats broken hearted summer punx indonesia pop punk 2018Cigybrats – Broken Hearted Summer Punx [Buy it on Amazon!]
Easily the catchiest punk band in Indonesia. More specifically, from Central Java, where apparently there are no girls, just dudes. I’m basing this off their Instagram page. Nothing but dudes. Lots of dudes and not a single girl. Not sure what’s going on with that. I digress. The first song is not English and the rest are. Does that mean you’ll be able to understand the lyrics? Absolutely not. It doesn’t matter, you’re still going to sing along. I wasn’t kidding about the catchiness. These songs are fun.. You’ve been warned. If you’re in Indonesia and you’re reading this, and you’re a girl, please start a punk band.   Listen on Bandcamp

Doesn’t English (#009) – Lügen

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Did Germany invent Post-Punk? I feel like it’s a super German type of music. It sounds so natural in that language. Emerging from the Goulash-ridden streets of Dortmund Germany (Home of the Juicy Beats music festival) this is Lügen (Lie). A barrage of black turtle-necks and even blacker lyrics. This feels like really serious music. The lyrics are no joke. Holy crap it rips though. Lots of unhappy energy here. If you’re in a really good mood and you’re just goddamn sick of it, these guys can probably help you out. The whole process is gonna sound amazing too. Don’t listen to this while you’re walking in the rain or you might end up punching someone in the back of the head.

Top 3 Songs That Did Not Suck in 2017

orch

2017 has brought (widely-disputed) proof yet again, that SOME songs don’t actually suck. According to Spotify I listened to more than 30,000 minutes of music this year. I do the vast majority of my listening on Bandcamp though, so lets say (wild guess) my total is something like 100K minutes (69 days). That’s not accurate though because 80% of the songs I go through get skipped within the first 60 seconds. I try to give them all at least a 60 second benefit-of-the-doubt window, but I have to admit, many don’t even make it that far. You know it’s the bad times that make the good times seem so good. For me there’s no better feeling than when you find one of those diamonds in the piles of spew. Here are the 3 most beautiful spew-diamonds I suffered to find this year.

Daddy Issues – Dog Years 
Holy crapola this is a bully of a song. I’ve had this thing in heavy rotation since it came out back in May. It’s been a good year for fuzzed-up dreampop bands, but I think Daddy Issues is leading the pack. ‘Dog Years‘ is my case in point. This song will take you back to 1993 and then be like “HEY! Wake up motherfucker! Stop living in the past!” Yeah don’t let the pleasant voices fool you. This song will tear your face off. It will stalk you like a cheetah you big dumb wildabeest you. It will hunt you down and then come out of a dark corner like a screaming banshee with fangs! It’s a direct threat. Do not fuck with this band. Unless you’re fucking with them in a good way like “yeah I fucks with Daddy Issues”. That sounded weird.

Standard Rat Fuck – Freedom Fries 
You know what you’re in for just by the title, and it does not disappoint. Few times throughout history has America flexed as hard as it did in 2017. Not in almost a century has it flexed so hard on such repulsive ideals and downright poisonous rhetoric. This song is about how that roid-monkey of a nation will pound you into whatever form it sees fit, even when you think you’re resisting, it’s slowly getting you. Slowly melting you down into a gloopy puddle of ratfuck. At least if you listen to this song and scream along to the chorus line, you’ll feel a little bit better about it all. Everybody now.. BIG – FAT – GOLD – COCK! – SANCTIFIED – IN – THE – VEGAS – SKYLIEEENE!

Phoebe Bridgers – Smoke Signals 
So here’s a weird story. Somehow the Phoebe Bridgers album Stranger In The Alps slipped under my radar when it came out in September. I don’t know how this happened. I’m usually on top of things. I’m sorry ok. I make mistakes. I’m not a fucking robot! Here’s the weird part. I actually saw Phoebe IN SEPTEMBER, open for Conor Oberst in Bellingham WA. How did she still manage to slip under my radar then? Oh good question! I had no idea who she was at the time. Her name wasn’t listed on the bill and oddly enough, her first song, which I’m pretty sure was ‘Smoke Signals’, caused my friend to have a severe vertigo attack. That’s how powerful this song is guys. Ok maybe my friend is prone to vertigo attacks and he already had one earlier that day, but I’m pretty sure this song set off the second attack. It nearly set one off in me for fucks sake! I mean it’s one of those songs that’s just overwhelming. Unfortunately I didn’t get to hear the whole thing, and I missed the rest of her set because I had to get my friend out of there and find him a cab so he could go back to the hotel. Never did catch her name and forgot to look it up later. Fast-forward to a few weeks ago when I saw the album listed on some bandcamp best-albums-of-the-summer thing. Imagine my surprise when I give it a play and the first song is ‘Smoke Signals’ and suddenly I’m having flashbacks to my friends crippled escape from The Wild Buffalo in Bellingham. I called up said friend and had him listen to it and he had ANOTHER vertigo attack! Ok I made up that last part. Everything else is true though, and this song is a cold force.

[This is where there would be some kind of summary if I cared to write one]